Once upon a time I was bored. Real bored. So I decided to write about something meaningful. My life, my world, my story. I ended up thinking and writing about a boyband. Congratulation. Get a life, honey, but before that, take this:
I’ve been trying my very best to put “my story” into words that make sense. In this very moment I become aware that I’m probably going to fail.
Statement one: I have no story to tell. I lived a fulfilled life before NKOTB came back into it and I still live a good life now. Furthermore: I’ve never met the guys so far, so there is no wonderful meeting-story to tell either. But I apologize in advance as this story became way too long – although there was reputedly nothing to write about?
Statement two: I’m a lousy fan.
Say what?
I’m a thirty-something-girl from Germany and not sure if I am a true Blockhead of not. So I think it is high time to come clean. This essay is supposed to be about deeply honest and frank soul-searching. I’m going to be harsh on myself as I have never been before. You know, one of these ‘The real story’-things containing drama, tears and blood (well, maybe we can ignore this cliché). I will analyze my heart, my soul and Blockhead-past and present without limit. At the end we’re going to know if I deserve to call myself a Blockhead. And I’m so hoping that no one ‘beyond the Block’ is going to read this. Taken out of contest it sounds really ridiculous wishing to be a “Blockhead”. Ouch! Not. Sexy.
In case anybody wonders why I am that indecisive about my own attitude towards ‘To be or not to be’ you might have to read this. If there will be two people (well, you and me) in the end who are in the know, this research has been worth the work. I’m curious myself about how this quasiNO-story is going to end. So, here we go.
At first I will take a look on some positive aspects I can deal with, even just for good vibrations. As a matter of course I have tons of old-school material containing collections of press clippings, pictures, posters, shirts etc. and – needless to say - all the NKOTB albums. Beginning with New Kids on the Block, even sickly-sweeter than sugar in the morning, up to The Block, grown-up and worldly-wise. But, to be honest, I am not listening to The Block regularly. Back in the days I was ONLY listening to New Kids music. I could sing along to every single song. These days I’m struggling sometimes when The Block is on (always forget why I shouldn’t call after ten?).
But I tend to blame my 3-years-old son for that. Because always when (well, alright ... IF) I try to turn on some new NK music he screams: “No, I want to hear the old Nu Kids stuff!” No, he doesn’t know different songs. Actually he only knows and always wants to listen to “Hemma paff” (come on, he is three years old, he does not speak any English yet, okay?). Then we have to play air guitar and pretend to be ‘rockstars’. Yes, I always make sure not to do that in front of the big window of my living room where my neighbors could see me. We both love Hemma … ah Hangin’ tough. It’s got the power, best base line in the whole wide world. Plain and simple.
Speaking of my family, they are not really supporting the revival of my wannabe-fan-ism. When I told my parents about the comeback they were looking at me with a polite fitted smile on their faces, their looks saying ‘Goodness me, not again, please! What did we do wrong with that girl?!’. My younger sister instead really liked the music of The Block and when I – always trying to acquire fans of the next generation – was asking her if she wants to become a real Blockhead now, she actually told me this: “Well, when the New Kids were famous the first time you didn’t even let me into your room, as there were all your New Kids stuff with pictures, magazines, CDs and you didn’t even want me to touch anything or listen to their music. So, it’s your fault that I couldn’t become a fan of NKOTB years ago so I missed out so many things. For now it’s ok if you burn The Block for me.” Thanks, Sis, love you, too (grrrrr)!
But when you think it couldn’t get any worse you have never met my dear husband. Well, I kind of agree that it’s difficult to understand for husbands when wives obviously take a step back in their evolution and become a fan of a boygroup – again. So he is not really into this NKOTB-thing and doesn’t interfere much. But sometimes – when he thinks it’s time to have a nice word or two for his wife – he asks me if there were any news about the … BACKSTREET BOYS! I swear to God, this is no joke, he is not even able to keep in mind the right name of the band (in real hard times I see myself confronted with “Any news on ‘Take That’?”). Well, by then at the latest, when he sees me shaking in a flaming temper, shooting fatal lightings out of my eyes, he realizes that there must have been something wrong. You’re so damn right, honey … where is my rolling pin?!
You see, there is no boygroup-fan-friendly environment I’m living in. Does not make it any easier for me (bad excuse is better than none, yeah, I’m on a mission!). But let’s continue this.
What’s your fav? Everybody knows this familiar quotation in NKOTB-land. When I was 15 years old, Joe was the one and only I had a crush on (alright, interrupted by a one week lasting But-Jordan-is-not-so-bad-either-time). I still like the blue-eyed McIntyre, but nowadays I can’t focus only on him because I could possibly miss out so many good things about the other four guys. Don’t know if that makes sense to anybody. But probably that’s just because I’m such a well-behaving, intelligent, restrained (boring, square, prude?) wife who is not freaking out when some New Kid shows us his belly button. But, hell yes, no favorite Kid on the Block for me, which in fact brings me disbelieving looks from time to time. I apologize. I guess.
I always forget the birthdays of the guys. Except of Joe’s. But that might be that carefully, deeply generated synapse in my brain, a relic of former times which might be removed by surgery if I had the wish to get rid of it. I will remember his birthday when I’m old, grey and wrinkly. May forget my own or what day it is – but there will always be Joe Mac’s birthday in my head. Okay, any jerk could remember New Years Eve. But thankfully my timeline on Twitter reminds me of birthdays so I can always pretend to ‘of-course-I-know-what-day-it-is’. But obviously it seems to be another fail whale on my lousy-fan-account.
When NKOTB.2 announced a tour in Europe – and even two concerts in Germany – it was clear to me to go. The day of the concert in Frankfurt was one of the best days I remember in the last couple of years. I could really let my hair down and enjoyed the possibility to see “my” five guys again. Happily listening and dancing to the music that is a part of me as we have been accompanying each other for such a long time (of course I can still sing PERFECTLY along with all the old songs). Voices that are so familiar to me like the ones of people I talk to every day. Mimic, gestures and moves that are distinctively and make each of them one-of-a-kind. But it wasn’t a revival of my youth as so many people used to say about the comeback. It was something I never experienced before (although I saw several concerts back in the days) but at the same time it felt absolutely right and familiar.
But it was the only concert I had tickets for. Maybe to keep it special, maybe because I am a restrained person telling myself one concert is enough. Many German fans travelled abroad to watch every European concert. Not me. And not in my wildest dreams I would travel to another continent to go to one or several concerts. It’s ok for me seeing other people doing it. But that doesn’t apply to me. > Random note for all members of NKOTB: I WOULD travel to London/UK to see a show or two (as millions of thousands of other European fans would). So if you want to see your lousiest fan (and billions of real true wonderful Blockheads) – meet me/us there. <
And – of course – I had no Meet & Greet. I’m between the devil and the deep blue sea concerning these scheduled get-togethers. On the one hand it’s just like buying myself some nice words or a hug what feels weird to me. And furthermore I see myself confronted with a huge dilemma regarding meeting the guys in person. As on the other hand I’m afraid that my self-knitted sheiks of my dreams which I’ve been creating, cultivating and bringing to perfection in my heart and head for the last 20 years will turn to much too real men who certainly will be nice people but won’t match the idols they have been for me for such a long time. No, don’t worry, you don’t have to understand that. That might just be a symptom of this lousy-fan-gen I’m trying to explain (in this very moment I feel like a real stupid Blockhead – literally).
Actually I would love to have some facetime with these five men, even if this could lead to a dramatic inner conflict (sounds so ridiculous, I know). But if a meeting is meant to be – it’s up to destiny. Alright, let’s calculate the chances: I’m only going to concerts when they’re taking place not too far away from me. I’m not buying myself 5*-tickets. And I’m not living in or travelling to the States where the guys live. Ok … drop that destiny-thing. Let’s do not make an issue out of it.
May I assume that you don’t believe me being a regular cruiser? Well, let’s have a look: Stuck on a crowded boat within a bunch of 2.000 crazy women with no emergency exit unless you don’t want to jump into the ocean, brimming over with insanity, madness and lovesick girls in bikinis? Well, no, thanks. Enjoy it, but leave me home alone.
I rather spend my time in trying to roam NKOTB-net almost every day. Not only for writing that much and participating in conversations but to capture vibrations. Then when I think there is enough material or even a specific matter that bothers many Blockheads I’m writing a regular (German) blog about everything that happens in the NKOTB-microcosm. However I should mention that this blog is not necessarily an anthem about how much I appreciate everything served by the Kids. No, I’m always analyzing both sides of the story. Sometimes even hypercritical. Yes, I’m the one who can discuss a topic to death. Hm … writing a blog sounded good concerning a Blockhead-membership at the beginning, didn’t it?
I see, it’s not working out for me very well so far. But maybe I have one more thing up my sleeve. As when writing a blog wasn’t enough anymore I started writing a song. I used to compose when I was younger (this was the plan: become a popstar and so meet the Kids, well … I was young!) but – no idea if these two things have some kind of connection – with arise of the new New Kids age the need of embodying thoughts and emotions in a different way as ‘just’ written words came back (never mind, no ambition to become a popstar this time). At the end there was a song called “Thank you for coming home, NKOTB”. And – just for the records – I wrote it almost one year before we even got to know that there was going to be a DVD with almost the same title (but can you SMELL the rise of the positive charts?!). To be honest and appear reasonable: I wouldn’t call it a good song. No, actually it sounds like something what comes out of an electronic keyboard for children when you press the ‘demo’-button. Accompanied by a dodgy voice belting out a wannabe-Blockhead-hymn. No, I’m neither a good composer nor a fabulous singer (should practice some “naynaynaynaynaynaynay” – but make sure that no Danny W. is around). But it kind of makes me proud that NKOTB and me as a tiny, little fan had “the same idea” about giving the comeback something like a name. Me, my hundred-years-old keyboard and my microphone, we even tried a second time, the result is called “Kicked” and is basically a short version of this much too long article here.
I rather see myself as an observer from the inside than an over-active Blockhead who is busy on making thousands of fan-friendships via Twitter, community boards or fan meetings. Of course I met some nice people but there is just a handful of Blockheads I try to stay in contact with.
So. This is it. My so-called “story”. No drama, no heartache, no life which has been turned upside-down because of NKOTB. But, as I promised to be absolutely honest: Something did change. I changed. I’m not talking about hard facts. It’s neither tangible nor measurable. Not supposed to be captured by brain. And even less explainable to Non-Blockheads. As it’s all about emotions. And emotions are not meant to become irrevocable facts when written down.
And … guess what … of course I’m a Blockhead deep down inside (Hallelujah! Bells, choir, fanfares!).
Maybe not “one off the rack” or a diehard-one. But being a Blockhead is not about adoring a band because of the best music ever made (“Lalalalalala tonight”). It’s not about going to see the best singers and dancers in the whole wide world. And it’s certainly not about just screaming at a certain point of time at a concert but about catching and experiencing the magic of Step 5. NKOTB is just a band. They don’t save anybody’s life, they won’t contribute to world peace and they won’t stem the tide of climate change.
But they support ME with a lot more quality me-time. They made my soul ‘coming home’ as they provided a basis of familiar people, music and feelings on which one can create a well-being space filled up with exactly the things you need.
Being a Blockhead is a special attitude to life. Sounds dramatic, but did you ever become aware of something that has been indeed a part of your life so far but you didn’t know how precious it really was? When there is something out there which means so much to you - but you can’t explain it to anybody who has not the same perception on it? Then it’s larger than just freaking out when a New Kid crosses our path. For me and certainly many other Blockheads the comeback was something like a wake-up-call. Like “Come on, there’s more as being a wife, mommy and/or employee living a regular and – of course - precious life. Give your soul a treat, have a timeout of rationality!” We thought we grew up but when they came back, the NKOTB-trigger has been re-activated and … here we go again.
This time it feels different. Back in the days we were just a huge crowd of braces wearing girls who were freaking out because of a novel boyband which once upon a time was pushed beyond justifiable boarders. Today they are not selling out stadiums anymore, they don’t hit the top of the charts anymore and they are not breaking merchandise sales records anymore. Bad for the profit and loss account of NKOTB, good for us fans - as long as they keep going. As for that and the webs this time it feels like we have a much closer connection to the band as before. It feels like being a part of something special.
Of course I don’t know these five people even if I pretend to do. As written above they are five individuals of which I think I know some aspects. My fantasy takes care of the rest by completing the characters they represent to the public with beautiful and perfect qualities. But they live their private lives and don’t really care for me (how could they possibly do as I’m too scared to meet them in person, kick my ass, kick my ass). But as there are millions of me out there, they do care. And it doesn’t make any difference if they just care for professional reason. Although my fan-soul tells me they really have a heart for their fans. So, regardless on what score they do their job, they’re doing it well. They make me feel good. And nothing else matters.
But as far as I’m concerned I try to keep that je ne sais quoi private. I don’t talk about it with non-Blockheads as it is neither explainable nor understandable if you’re not experiencing it yourself. I’m tired of justifying myself or talking down prejudices. But inside I keep my block-head high. By now I really appreciate what these five guys have been given back to me. This quasiNO-story started out as a funny, laid-back I-also-would-like-to-have-a-story-to-tell-thing, but in the end I obviously had something to say. Even if it means making a science out of it. I apologize. Again.
Writing these words was a touching and enlightening process for me – which is exactly the thing I’m talking about. I enjoy writing again and even more, I recovered my creativity, no matter if it’s writing, composing or putting together NKOTB-related videos. For me, it’s the big picture that became most important to me. I don’t care about single songs, any appearances on shows or concerts or how many Twitter-messages one New Kid spreads around the world. It’s the fact they are a part of my tiny self-created universe and support me in still being a little bit crazy at heart, but with a women’s soul of pride.
Some people said that NKOTB reminds them of their youth, they see a very close connection between back then and the memories and experiences they had with the band. Of course the band and the fans share a lot of memories. So it’s definitely worth to let your mind wander back and remind yourself of old-school fan-days. What did the plans of your young life look like? Did you really go the path you planned to do? Did any or even some of your wishes come true?
I myself though started all over being a fan without looking back on the past. Maybe because I’m a married mother or the general situation is just quite another as back in the days. And actually being a fan today is totally different to then. As there are no magazines with stories and pictures to collect, there are no official fanclubs to join, not so much silly merchandise to buy and generally speaking we can now afford to travel to concerts and don’t have to annoy our parents to help us getting to concerts. The relationship between the band and fans changed as we’re all grow-up and have private lifes
There is something out there, which has a meaning for me and which I was trying to translate into words. I’m not sure if I got it across to whoever reads this. And writing it in a language that I don’t speak as a native language didn’t make it any easier. But the real challenge was writing something that is longer than 140 signs and in an appropriate language beyond abbreviations or too colloquial expressions as it’s common practice on Twitter or community boards (yes, I’m still on this excuse-mission, as you can see). But I really thank you for taking the time to read this – if you managed to stay the course.
But actually all the stuff written above applying to me doesn’t matter at all for other fans. Because being a Blockhead has probably many different meanings for many people. Some have to be wherever NKOTB appear and spend tons of money. Some just listen to their music, go to a concert when they come close to them and love meeting Blockhead sisters. And some might even used them as a catalyst for a change. Maybe they opened up more to other people, maybe they got more self-confidence and maybe they found their inner-sexyness as animated by the one and only Mister-serve-a-wisdom-pearl-every-day aka Mr. Wahlberg. I sort of did. I think I re-thought the philosophy of my life. My life was good, but it’s better now. Although people don’t really recognize it, even if they think they know me. I know better. It’s like keeping a sweet secret.
Some people would probably send me to see a headshrinker when reading this. “Hi, my name is Martini and I’m an Aquarius. And I really wanna be loved by … “. Well, you know the rest. I’m pretty much aware how spooky this whole quasiNO-story may sound to Non-Blockheads, but this world is sometimes too much matter of fact, so why not brighten it with a little extravagance called Blockhead-virus. You can use it like grease, put a little bit of it between the chattering rack-wheels of life that gear into each other and everything goes a little smoother. And, guess what, it‘s for free. Well, at least the fun factor or what you make out of it.
It doesn’t matter if you’re travelling around the world to see NKOTB or how much money you spend on them. If the feeling is right, everything is ok. Sense and sensibility don’t go along with each other concerning a down-to-earth-life and being a Blockhead? Fine. Welcome home, it’s a Blockhead-world!
